I walk around the room
I hate how these stupid things remind me of you
and I try so hard to forget
but I guess I just better get used to it

if it makes it alright, I'll spend the night
with you dear - if you'd only reappear
because everything reminds me of you
and that's just gonna take a little getting used to


It turns out this whole thing is kind of hard, but I'm getting better each day now. The best way to describe it is I still feel like an emotional jenga game (you know, the one with the tower of little wooden blocks.) I start off all stable, but the more time goes by the more fragile things get, until who knows what will send the whole thing crashing down. But then after that I start over strong and stable again. The good news is the frequency of the crashes is going down each time.

I took yesterday off work and stayed at home to veg and let my emotions run their course without those pesky responsibilities getting in the way. That was really good for me and allowed me to actually get some work done today - though not as much as I should have. That's ok, there's always next week. I've also talked to a bunch of friends and family and I appreciate all your support. It's not like this is a new or complicated scenario, but I'm always happy to see people rally to the cause of a friend who's feeling down. I know if I need anything I have lots of great people to turn to.

It's weird, I'm now into that stage where I keep getting reminded of her. She's still sort of in the forefront of my brain - so when I think about things we'd talked about doing together, or see something funny that I think she'd like, or even something comes up in conversation that we'd talked about - I think of her by association. Then I get to remember everyhing all over again; It's good times. The good news is that while I've been tempted to call her (she did make me happy when I was with her and I miss that) I'm still completely sure I did the right thing under the circumstances. So barring the involvement of a large amount of alcohol I should be able to avoid giving in to that urge. And I know that as time goes by she'll move out of my head more and more and I'll be reminded of her less and less. I guess that's just one more tragic piece of all this.

At this point you're thinking: "Wow, you're making a big deal out of all this, you must have really fallen for her." And you're right. I've realized that I fell for her more than I thought I had. I fell in love a little bit. I thought I was safe from that, since I thought I couldn't fall in love with someone who was holding back like she was. But I didn't really fall in love with her, I fell in love with the idea of her. I fell for the her that I imagine she would be (and she told stories about) had she not been in the strange emotional place she was in. We all know that falling in love with something that doesn't exist can only lead to trouble - and alas, I'm dealing with that trouble now.

But in the end it's not too bad. It's only been a few days and I feel like I'm solidly on the upward slope and out of the worst of it. Thanks again to everyone for your support. This blog has been really helpful for me for a couple of reasons, but they're way too long to go into now. Maybe over the weekend I'll flesh it all out.

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