How can I go home
with nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
and say: "what did you do out there?
what did you decide?
You said you needed time
and you had time"

...

I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
so I am coming home with an empty head.

I know yesterday's post was a little confusing, and I got a couple of questions from friends about it. I have more to say about it all today.

For the past few months I've been dating this girl Chrystie (pictures here.) We really liked each other, and got along famously. But in the end I fell for her, and she just wasn't there. This isn't really a new story.

The different thing about it for me is that she knew she would fall for me if she let herself. But she wasn't prepared to deal with that, so she held back. It wasn't the standard thing where people just want to "have a good time" and so don't commit because they don't think it's really there. If anything, we had less of a good time because she didn't want to do things where she might accidentally fall for me. She was scared.

I stayed around for a while waiting to see if she would come to terms with it all, and finally gave up on her yesterday - though I have been struggling with what I should do for a little more than a month. This has been difficult for me, since I think we have a lot of potential (present tense there is intentional.) I believe that we really could have gone forward if she'd not let the other things in her life come first - I don't think she was just blowing smoke with all that.

This is the biggest problem for me. I just don't understand that. Sure, I get how what she's saying can make sense in a abstract way, but I don't *get* it. I've never felt that way around someone who I care about. This bugs me; I like understanding things (those of you who know me well are nodding right now.) So this is where I can get myself in real trouble. The way my head works, I figure I don't understand because I don't have all the data, or I'm interpreting things the wrong way. This can lead me into spending all my brain power trying to figure out what happened - both to make peace with the whole thing, and so I can learn from the experience. But that's not a productive use of my time. That's how I've spent the last month: being distracted from most of my life. I don't need to toss any more time down that drain. The time I've already spent has shown negative effects at work and with friends (sorry friends!) Observant readers will also notice that the last time I wrote on here was just over a month ago - that's not a coincidence.

My other big challenge is to quash that hope that she'll "see the light" and come back around quickly. You know the one; It's a classic, and clearly an unhealthy thing to hold on to. She may come back around at some point, and I told her to give me a call if she does, but I won't do my emotional health any favors waiting for it. I've already waited for her long enough, with no sign of progress.

The most unfortunate thing about all this is we can't be friends. I'm usually able to be friends with people I've dated - but the key ingredient there is we tried dating, and it was clear we weren't right for each other, so we can be friends because we know the other thing wouldn't work. Chrystie and I didn't get there, we didn't try, and it's not at all clear whether we are right for each other or not.

It's hard to have someone in my life whom I care about and love spending time with - then cut them out of my life. It's a tough process that for me involves listening to sad music, reconnecting with friends I've neglected, and trying to avoid destructive behavior.

Anyway, what I wrote last night is what I was feeling then - and that's about the best way I knew how to express it. Today I had a little more to say. It'll be a long road, and who knows what tomorrow will bring?

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