Chris, I don't know what the problem is... I have all these guy friends but when they find out I have a boyfriend, they don't want to hang out!

An old friend of mine (an ex, actually) wrote that to me last week. I was writing up a reply, and as I got into it, and it got longer, I decided I liked it too much to just share with her, especially as it spiraled out of control into what you read below.

Last year I wrote about He's Just Not That Into You. The big point of that book is that Men know how to show you that you're a priority to them and if you're dating a guy who makes you question that (like, he allways seems to be busy with other things in his life) then you should take that as a sign that you're not a priority in his life and kick him to the curb so you can find someone who will treat you like a priority.

This concept can be reversed as well. If a guy is making a lot of effort to have you in his life, you are a priority to him. Usually (not always, but don't bank on the exceptions) this means he's interested in you. When these guys find out you have a boyfriend and are unavailable, you become less of a priority. It doesn't mean they don't want to be friends anymore, it just means they aren't going to exerpt the same amount of effort to make it happen.

Side note: all of this works for women as well, if you keep calling her to go out, and she keeps not having time for you, that's a not-so-subtle sign about where you stand in her life.

Being friends with people takes effort. You have to make an effort to talk with them regularly, you have to make an effort to coordinate your schedules to see each other. Sure, it's not like moving mountains or anything, but effort and time are limited quantaties for all of us. I have lots and lots of friends that I really care for, but talk to about twice a year if I'm lucky. Some of my best friends fall into this category, they live far away and we just catch up every now and then. It's just too much effort to try to keep up with everyone regularly (if you're reading this, I'm talking to you Sigh, Julia, Colleen, Cronin, Adrian, Hed, Matt Brown, Matty H, Lisa, Kai, Karin, Erin, Fozzy, Stacey, Audra, Bubba, Kathleen, Guy, Sabin, Jill, most of my family, and others that I'm sure I missed.)

What this means is if two people aren't making an effort to see each other, it's not going to happen. In my friend's case are guys who were interested in her (I don't blame them, she's a cool chick) putting out a lot of effort. After they're big motivation is taken away things change, it's not that they don't want to be friends with her, it's just that they aren't going to put the same effort into it. If they're not putting effort in, and their lives don't cross naturally (like they play on the same soccer team together or something) then they're just not going to see each other. That's the way it works, things don't happen for free, and being social and seeing your friends takes effort.

This gets into one of my universal truth's of people. Our time is our most valued resource, and how we choose to spend our time is the single best indicator of our priorities. If someone isn't making time for you, you aren't a priority for them. Period. End of discussion. I know this is harsh, but you have to remember that being a priority to someone and them caring for you are two different things. I admit that all those friends I listed off two paragraphs ago aren't a priority in my day to day life, I don't make an effort to keep up with them regularly. But if they need something, or happen to be visiting Seattle, they bump way up the list. I still care about all of them, but just don't work to make them a part of my day to day life. I'm ok with that. I figure they are too, otherwise our friendships would have ended years ago.

One of the most interesting things about this is that what people want their priorities to be, and what they actually are, are often very different things. This is useful in two ways. I use this for evaluating my life frequently. There's lots of things I'd like to think are important to me, but if I look at the way I spend my time, it's clear to me that they aren't really that important to me. From there, I can either accept that I don't really care about those things or I can work to change my life to include them (and naturally, exclude others, because we're talking about limited resources.)

This also works if someone in your life isn't making you a priority the way you'd like them too. Sure, they may claim they want you to be a priority, but if you aren't, then you aren't. It's your call if you decide to wait around for them and see if they change their priorities to better include you. There's a classic line in Jerry Maguire that's essentially talking about this issue: I love him for the man that he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is. At that point Jerry knows what he'd like his priorities to be, but that's not what they actually are, and Dorothy sees that rift before he does (it's hard for me to write a post without actually referencing a movie...)

This process of comparing priorities is a tough busienss, because in essense we're confronting our ideal of who we'd like to be with the reality of who we really are, and the reality almost never lives up to the ideal. It can be a hard process, but it's how we become better people, it's how we become comfortable with ourselves.

If you've never spent a day sitting down and thinking about how you spend your time, I highly recommend it. It can be a sobering experience, but it's a valuable one, and it really works.

Still want more?
Read the Archives!