I was going to do it (kill myself), and the only reason I didn't was a five dollar bill. I figured I probably got it by giving some asshole a blowjob. And it really ticked me off that if i killed myself before spending it it was like I sucked him off for free.

I finally have gotten around to watching Monster after hearing so much about it at last year's academy awards and then having it sit here from Netflix for about the past month.

This is a disturbing movie. It's like watching people self destruct and spiral right in front of you. And after I watch things like this I'm kind of struck by why I watched it. It's dark and depressing, and I don't think it gives me some kind of insight or interest. Watching really messed up people spiral out of control and self destruct may be interesting, and a great thing to mine for artistic work - but I don't think it's entertaining.

That's the rub, I mostly watch movies to be entertained. I like movies that are touching while being dark and hard to watch. But this one wasn't like that. Most of the time the best you can do is root for the serial killer to get back on the path of reasonableness - but you konw she won't. So you keep watching, like a horrifying train wreck in slow motion.

It's certainly well made. I was gripped by it and didn't really stop to think about why I was watching it until the end. But now that I am thinking about it, I don't have a good answer. If you're thinking about watching it I advise you to look up what the movie's really about, then decide if you're interested in watching an excellent film about that subject matter.

'Cause that's what this is, but that doesn't mean you'll enjoy it.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany

I literally had Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy on in the bakcground while I took care of the stuff aorund the house. I think that was just the right balance for this movie. I devoted the right amount of attention to it, and it provided me with some good background entertainment.

I found it to be a slapstick comedy that was very hit and miss, and when it hit it didn't hit all that hard. I often try to put movies on while I casually do something else - and typically get sucked in by them. I'm not really the kind of person that can multi-task while I'm watching something. But I could watch this just fine, I didn't get sucked in at all.

I think the key to being able to do that and still get the jokes is the jokes are silly and not all that smart. Smart jokes build on subtle detail, growing over the course of the movie, so you don't get to enjoy them unless you're paying attention. For me though, the reward is very worth the time spent, since I find those jokes to be super funny. Plus, they're memorable, they stick with you.

I'm pretty sure Anchorman didn't have any of those jokes in it (I guess it could have, since I wasn't paying attention I may have missed them, but I doubt it.) All the jokes were nice and self contained. Which is easy, but also means they end up being shallow. I remember laughing at this movie while I was watching it, but now it's the next day and I only remember a couple of gags. I suspect in a week those will be gone too.

I'm no surprised though, I've never really been a big slapstick fan. I mostly like to have things be a bit more clever then that...

Was it a member of the Flying Daggers?
It's unlikely.

Wow! What an amazing movie House of the Flying Daggers is. I almost felt like I was being too harsh on Star Wars, but then when I think about it in comparison to this movie I don't feel that way anymore. The two actually have a lot of similarities.

Both have fairly preposterous plots, both are action oriented, and both are gorgeous. But in Flying Daggers the dialog works, and there's some character development. Sure, it's mostly cliche, but when it works, who cares? They even managed to kick the crap out of Star Wars from a dialog perspective working within the confines of translated subtitles.

It's hard for me to describe how impressed I was with the fight scenes in this movie. They strike a fantastic balance between reality, fantasy and art. People compare this to Hero and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon but for my money this is clearly the best of the three from an artistic and choreagraphic standpoint. The story is a little weaker then the other two [1] but it's not too far off.

Highly recommended!

1. That's assuming you don't mind the very East Asian slant of Hero that turns a lot of Westerners off to the story. It's a movie with a plot that could never have been made in the West - it's uniquely Chinese in that sense.

Good is a point of view, Anakin. And the Jedi point of view is not the only valid one.

I've been paralyzed by the thought of writing about Star Wars Episode 3 ever since I saw it on opening day. I ended up not being able to resist, and went and saw a midnight showing. When I was watching it, I had a fine time, but the problem is when I think about the movie all I can think about are the things that were wrong with it.

I think there's two factors that contribute to that. The first is I'm a nerd and a big fan of Star Wars in general - so I take the nerdy stuff a little more seriously. But the real problem is there are an enormous number of talented people working on this movie, they have an astonomical budget, and I figure they should be able to come up with someting better. they have a different expectation then your average movie.

That's the rub. Episodes 4-6, the ridiculous amount of talent involved and their budget means we should expect more out of the movie. But Episodes 1-2 trained us to expect less. So Episode 3 is in this funky place where it exceeds the expectations from Episodes 1-2 but falls way short of what we should expect from it.

That's how I can have fun watching it on opening night, enjoy myself, and then have mostly bad things to say on further reflection. Now I've balanced all that out a bit and can talk about it reasonably.

First the good things: It was lots of fun, energetic, and absolutely gorgeous.

But there was lots of badness. The most notable thing is the horrific dialog. But it's not just the dialog, it's the story arcs that go along with it. It's like Lucas plotted out the movie on a big chart and then didn't embelesh that detail at all. It shows in the lack of character development and the poor dialog.

I think the key problem is Lucas is so in control that no one can tell him how it all needs to be better. No one stops and says "George, this dialog is ass." Seriously, all it would have taken is a some good rewrite work to give it some color and character development. That would have helped a lot.

Many people have said the neat thing about this movie is watching how the pieces of the puzzle finally come together to get us back to Episode 4. The problem is the last pieces of the jigsaw puzzle aren't interesting, they're pretty square. Overall the lack of creativity in the story is such a crazy dichotomy to the amazing creativity in the visuals. But the problem with the visuals is they universally feel a bit stale, since there's no good story anchor to go along with it all. It just feels like watching a pretty technology demo or sometihng.

Ug, see this is exactly what I was worried about. The whole article would just become one big rant about all the bad things. In the end I did enjoy myself. It's bland, the dialog is laughably bad, the actors have no chance with that dialog and Lucas as their director, and the story leaves a lot to be desired. But it's a good time, gorgeous, action packed, and not a terrible way to spend a few hours if you're at all interested in Star Wars.

Learn to know the dark side of the force and you will achieve a power greater then any Jedi

OMG! Revenge of the Sith might actually be good! What's up with that? Sure, I laughed with friends as we all called it Star Wars: The Last Hope, but I never really believed it. I never allowed that hope to creep into my heart, that this last segment could overcome the ridiculousness of the last two. That George could actually write some dialog, maybe get some perfomances out of the excellent acting talent he's hired (admittedly, from what I've heard the dialog is still crap, but there might be some acting in this one.)

No, I'm not sure I can actually get excited about this. I don't know if I can actually feel like it could be good. But I watched Ebert and Roeper this weekend, and they gave it two thumbs up. And the consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes is that at least it doesn't suck. Who knows, maybe the old man pulled it together for the finale.

I remember people asking me what I thought of Episode I when I first saw it six years ago. Sure, I was disappointed, but I was at peace if I thought about it as the first two hours of a three hour movie. Then Episode II rolled around and blew that all out of the water. Episode II had its moments, but it didn't take the exposition from the first movie and actually move along the characters. Now we have Episode III, which I guess could be all good times as the final two hours of a six hour movie. Action and adventure all the time as we move into the third act.

I saw the first two at midnight on openning night at midnight. [1] This time around I can see it for free on Thursday morning with my work team, but the showing is pretty early and in Woodinville. I'm not too excited about driving out to Woodinville for an 8:30 am movie, so instead I'm thinking about going to a midnight show somewhere and just rolling into work closer to noon. It's not free, but you know what they're saying, this one might actually be worth buying a ticket. If nothing else it will be pretty. Say what you will about Lucas' filmmaking style, but you can't argue with the onscreen images.


Notes:
1. There's a fun story behind this one. Episode I released while I was in school and it was a *huge* deal since none of us knew that it was going to suck - we all assumed it would be the best thing since sliced bread. My very good friend Kai was planning on moving down to SLO that Summer and wanted to check out the town. I told him to come that week and we'd go to Star Wars.

While we were waiting in line all day for the show that night (no kidding, we were there for close to 24 hours - it was great fun) I commented that when Episode II came out he'd still be in town and I would likely be gone. I said it would be cool if I came back to visit for that opening and we did the reverse. Sure enough in 2002 I went back to visit SLO for a week and we caught the midnight showing of Episode II at the same theater. This time we were less suprised by it's suckiness, and knew it probably wasn't worthy of a midnight showing, but did it for old times sake.

Now I'm tempted to go see Episode III at midnight just out of habbit. If I could be in SLO for it that'd be even better since I haven't seen Kai in a while. But alas, not this time.

- Those people were fighting, you knew that right?
- Yes
- Sometimes people get scared when they're around things like that.
- < shrugs > They weren't fighting me.

After watching a sub par asian action movie last week I decided I needed to try to wash the bad taste away with some Jet Li. I knew this was a sketchy prospect since Jet Li's work after he left Hong Kong has been consistenly sub-par. But I'd heard some good things about his latest effort, Unleashed, and thought I'd give it a try.

This movie really strained against my theory about Hong Kong action movies (I covered this about a week ago.) This one actually tried to have a real plot, and do something interesting. They did ok with this, but the problem was I didn't really care. I was just there to watch Jet Li do amazing things, and all that dialog, character development, and you know, acting, in the middle just had me saying "yeah, yeah, get on it with. When's the next fight sequence?"

As for the fight sequences, they were actually pretty good. The camera wasn't too choppy, and the shot angles were typically wide enough that you could see what was going on. Plus, Jet Li did something really interesting. He acted with his fighting technique. His character was an exceptional fighter, but he was purely aggressive and carnal. Jet Li is usually very precise but here he changed it up. The way he punched, the way he moved, was totally different. This was interesting to watch, and in my opinion, a great acting feat. Li's been training to fight a certain way all his life, those motions are ingrained, he changed them up in a way that made sense for his character. It was neat.

Overall, the movie was only passable. Unless you're a pretty solid Jet Li fan I can't really endorse this one.

Now I know why people don't make three movies at once

I finally finished out the last disc of special features on The Return of the King Extended Edition DVDs. There are six discs of special features between the three exteneded editions and they're all so good it's not really worth trying to rank them. This last disc was a little different though. It's focus wasn't the effects, or the artisans, or the sets, or all those other remarkable things people did to make these movies. This one focused on the ridiculous effort it took to get this film out the door and all the craziness that ensued through the opening and the Oscars and everyone saying goodbye and being done with this epic project.

My biggest take away from watching is that I thought I knew what crunch mode looked like. I worked in Windows when Microsoft shipped Windows XP, I worked in Office when we shipped Office 2003, I've had friends that have worked on Visual Studio, MSN, Smartphones, and games as they've tried to ship them. I've seen some pretty crazy people trying to get more work done then can possibly get done before a deadline. But I've never seen anything as bad as they went through to get Return of the King out the door on time. It was total insanity and I watched with my jaw hung open - half in wonderment and half trying to figure out how it actually went out the door in time (it clearly did, I saw it on openning day...)

If you've ever wondered why so many movies seem to suck it helps to get some insight into the amount of effort, talent and dedication it takes to make a truly great one (or a trilogy in this case.) I strongly recommend watching the special features on the extended edition DVD's for all three movies. Not only is it fascinating, it gave me a whole new perspective on what it takes to make great movies.

You screw up one more time and you're finished.

I let Netflix guide me down the long tail today and watched a Hong Kong action movie called The Tube. Unfortunately this wasn't the best of trips down the long tail (if you don't know what the long tail is I highly recommend you read that article, it's super interesting.)

Unfortunately for me this trip down the long tail didn't turn out so good. But before I explain I have to talk about my theory that porn and Hong Kong action movies are essentially the same. See, porn movies are essentially an excuse to watch people have sex - and Hong Kong action movies are just an excuse to watch people beat each other up (or in a similar genre, shoot each other.) All that plot and dialog and character development (which is always sub par) is just there to set up situations for the action. Since the action is the whole point, and everything else is typically unorginal and of questionable quality, the only way to judge these movies in on the quality and quantity of the action sequences.

The Tube's action sequences were pretty sucky. They had the whole named character vs unnamed character convention going strong [1] but the namesd charcaters didn't do anything smart. The whole thing was bad news from the start. In the openning sequence some bad guys shot their way though an entire police force without doing anything other then standing out in the open in shooting at them. No smart tactics, no hiding, no clever gimmicks, nothing. That proved to be typical, although in the spirit of full disclosure I didn't make it to the ending action sequences. After several crappy ones I figure they aren't going to suddenly just get better.

Hopefully the next trip down the long tail will be a better one.

Notes:
1. The theory is movies have named characters and unnamed characters. If the guy isn't important enough to get a name then he's a flunky and is easily disposed by named characters. Unnamed characters always miss named characters and named characters have no trouble hitting unnamed characters - even with impossible shots or techniques.

But when two named characters fight all of a sudden their aim isn't so perfect. They start missing a shot they had no trouble with before. It's as if the named charcater has an aura that just makes him harder to hit. Next time you're watching an action movie, think about it in these terms - it holds up surprisingly well for all action movies.

Shit just doesn't disappear, it has to go somewhere.

I watched about half of Envy in bits and pieces. As expected, it's not that good. The first part, on the way to Jack Black being super-rich, was actually kind of fun. But then when Ben Stiller starts getting all envious and crazy the wheels kind of come off the wagon. There's just not much here, there's not enough to sustain a movie.

I think it doesn't help that Jack Black doesn't get to do what he does best in this movie. He's so good at being the idiot, obnoxious, lovable guy - and here he's just an idiot lovable guy. With no obnoxiousness his character loses a bit of an edge. I really like Jack Black (especially his work in Tenacious D) but this isn't one of his better efforts.

I'll just have to wait for the next one and see how that one is. Ooh, look at this: IMDB tells me that he's making a movie about Tenacious D and he's in Peter Jackson's next effort, King Kong so there's hope in the future.

So here's your options. Door number one: you go to prison for a very long time. Door number two: we are going to get back the declaration of independence. You help us find it, and you still go to prison for a very long time, but you feel better inside.

Harvey Keitel really sells that quote. I think the world needs more Harvey Keitel, he has a special way about it (my favorite role of his remains Mr Wolf from Pulp Fiction though.) Anyway, I was looking for some good mindless Hollywood entertainment at the end of a long week, and found it in National Treasure.

It really helps to not have high expectations for a movie like this. With these big action/adventure things I typically do my primary judgment on two things: how smart do the characters act and how far do the filmmakers have to stretch to generate peril and risk for the main characters. A second level of judgment comes in whether or not the movie pays attention to reality [1]. The reason I very much disliked Armageddon is if failed spectacularly on all these fronts, even though it was made well technically. But the problem is when the movie isn't smart (those three criteria above are just another way of saying the movie is smart) I spend all my time noting the dumb stuff and not munching on popcorn and enjoying myself like I should be.

Alarmingly, this movie turns out to be pretty smart. The characters are bright and don't do especially silly things, even the cops. And the treasure hunting theme allows all the tension to be from the "bad guy" who is looking for the treasure and willing to kill people to get to it - but lets be honest, he's not all that bad, most bad guys would have been torturing people, generating body counts, and being generally ruthless. Ian was a teddy bear in comparison. Yes, the whole gunpowder thing in the opening was silly and worried me greatly, but it turned out to be an isolated incident. And there was only one time where the movie totally didn't pay attention to reality (in the physics and science arena, not in the fantastic worlds these movies build as their premise.) But I'm racking my brain and I can't even remember what that one time was. In comparison, I spent an hour outside the theater after I first saw Armageddon; all of us cataloging the ways it diverged from reality.

Ah, I remember what it was now. At one point the characters use the shadow of a building at a specific time of day to get a clue. But shadows are different at the same time of day at different times of the year - that's why the sun is setting at 8:30 here now instead of it's normal 4:30 time in December. But the characters had no idea what date to base it off of - that got a big eye roll from me.

Granted, the big exception to characters being smart is when they go lighting torches and chandeliers, and lighting systems in 200 year old tombs filled with wooden stuff. Since, you know, it could be possible those systems don't work anymore
There you go, a well made movie that is totally ridiculous - but doesn't push my buttons so I can mostly suspend disbelief and have fun. Of coursre, your buttons might be different, which could lead to you having no fun at all - it'll be a pretty fine line with this movie.

Notes:
1. When I say pay attention to reality I'm talking about the real world where the laws of physics and such still apply. Movies like this are allowed, and often required, to make all kinds of craziness up. But the stuff they make up needs to be at least feasible. When they start playing around with the rules the universe operates under they've crossed that line.

2. There are many unlikely things that happen in this movie. Oddly enough, one of the key ones I noticed was the hot, blond, single history nerd who conveniently serves as a love interest for Nicolas Cage. I'm not saying that hot, blond women can't be smart and crack into nice meaty fields like the protecting the national archives. Sure, the stereotypes say it's rare, but I work in a field with similar stereotypes and I know several hot blondes in the field - they're out there. But where they really drift off into extra-special unlikely land is when she's single. My experience says women like that don't stay single for long... I'm just saying.

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